She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Potatoes were such a good idea
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”