You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*