ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.