How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.