I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.