Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Beware…..
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter