Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.