Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My what?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed