DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
You Might Also Like
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Finally
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.