I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If looks could kill