Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?