[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
*lint rolls you awake*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers