me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This sounds bad:
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
That’s it.I’m out.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.