detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’