In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.