I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.