Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
pelicons
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.