After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Fidel Castro was alive?