I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
i was baptized in a car wash
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.