Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom