My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
SF is the wild wild west man
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Very good! 👍😂
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.