[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.