[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…