Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
If looks could kill
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
so i’m at the stock market right
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…