Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples