The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows