yeah no that’s fair
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Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest