This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Thursday Thought.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!