I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day