Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.