Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂