[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You Might Also Like
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”