“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated