Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Lmao the reply
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”