Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Sometimes? I’m slipping