I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
How your email finds me
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty