Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
This has made my week.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??