Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?