You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
you gotta be faster
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer