The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When you’re here for the treats.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?