Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries