My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent