Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
You Might Also Like
i baked you a cake
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
me and my fake scenarios
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.