My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
when nothing goes right… go left
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Left at a local drug store…
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?