Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.