you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.