ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.