I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.