Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Going to church you guys need anything
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Dance like you’re not the father
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.