It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
She: I like Cats
He:
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”